Talked about the Big Stuff – Now for Some Not So Big Stuff

Sassiness – Sometimes called ‘talking back’. Treat this by saying sadly, calmly, and matter-of-factly, “Oh Childname. I am so sorry to hear you speak to me that way. It makes me sad (or hurts my ears, or hurts my feelings, or hurts my heart). I will not listen to you when you talk that way. Say what you want to say nicely and I will listen to you.” Then the trick – AND THIS IS THE TRICK ON ALL BEHAVIORS – turn physically away from the child until he speaks in a respectful way, then give full active attention and thank him for speaking correctly when he does.

Passiness – This sometimes works with whining and talking through a pacifier, too. Be kind by saying, “Oh, Childname. I cannot understand what you’re saying. When you can say it so I can understand you, I will be able to listen.” Then attend quickly when the whine or the pacifier is gone. (Be developmental on that pacifier!! Parents and dentists make that decision – not you.)

 

Harassiness – It also works with the constant interrupter who is either so excited about what he has to express or is not used to sharing the teacher’s attention with others. Try this: “I hear you, Childname, and I want to listen, but it is not your turn to talk. Please draw a picture of what you want to say and when it is your turn to talk, I will remember to listen carefully.” (In Circle Times I have seen teachers have the children pass a theme-related object around so each child can speak only when he is holding it).

Nervous Habits – Things like hair twisting or chewing, nail-biting, and stammering may be caused either by developmental stage (18 months, 3.5 and 5 years) or by emotional distress and they may be temporary. Talk to parents about what might be going on at home. If the hair twisting makes a bald spot, if the nails are bleeding, or the child cannot communicate most of the time, confer with parents on a plan to find the cause and eliminate the habit. Often, the more we call attention to these habits, the more they will increase, so give BIG TIME positive attention to the child when he is not doing these things. “Wow, Hairchewer. I love to listen to you when your hair is out of your mouth. I can hear every word you say.” Stammering is a natural developmental issue most of the time. Try patting rhythmically on a child’s arm or shoulder until his words match the rhythm and he’s able to speak.

Unattractive Habits – This is stuff like nose picking, bottom scratching, belching, etc. Some of these things are unhealthy, some merely distracting, but deal with them privately because they should be privately practiced. Take the child aside and suggest that it is not (healthy, attractive, polite) to do these things in front of others but that he should save them for a private time and place. If you talk about these things aloud with the whole community, the attention the topic receives will increase the behaviors rather than reduce them. Four year olds, in particular, seem to practice these things with great relish. If you have an epidemic of belching, either ignore it until it stops for lack of attention from you, or STOP the action FIRMLY and have a full community discussion about the time and place for these sorts of things.

Table Manners – Not gonna’ happen, but I’m talking about etiquette. Young children are not known for their gentility at the dining table. Ease up on the manners and concentrate on carrying on intelligent and pleasant mealtime conversation and opportunities for learning. Model good manners, give attention and use active listening skills with the children who are eating nicely. Increase attention span and dining time (staying at the table) by making meal times relaxed but purposeful. Have correct expectations for eating habits. Food fights are out, but food counting, book reading, color naming, and talking about shape, size, texture, personal food preferences, and nutritional value, and using meal times to review the work of the day are IN.

Increase sitting down time by use of these pleasant conversations and by having everything the children need to open packages, eat and drink and even pour by themselves. Most important rule on dining – SIT DOWN AND EAT WITH THE CHILDREN rather than hover and serve. A smart Pre-K teacher I know, Miss Christy, reminded me that older fours and fives need to learn cafeteria independence before leaving her class, so she does less teacher-led things at the table and encourages more quiet conversation among the children as the year gets closer to ending.

Next Blog: 40 Years in the Trenches IV