A Young Child’s Sense of Fairness

As siblings & cousins in the 60’s, we had hundreds of fights about who’d sit in the front seat of the woody station wagon (riding shotgun), who called DIBS! on the last meatball, or who had possession of the Silly Putty before the other ten of us.

Teachers of young children deal with these situations in which they’re asked to arbitrate differences of opinion, ownership, and fairness on a daily basis. We talk a lot about “sharing” and teachers often ask me about “teaching” sharing. I put quotes around both words because, WE DO NOT “TEACH” “SHARING”!!!

To a young child, sharing means using something at the same time as someone else or giving up something to another child. To the child, this is neither possible or right. We don’t TEACH sharing, we let the children LEARN the concept and practice of TURN TAKING. Taking turns is a concept of justice most children can more easily understand and put into action.

They learn it through the safety of the emotional environment of warmth, humor, respect, kindness, and a realistic sense of community set up by the teacher; through a teacher’s offering of experiences in which turn taking is useful, expected, and ‘praised’ by word, gesture, facial expression, and reinforcement; through the use of inanimate objects like clocks and timers; and through an attitude of calm, natural, realism.

Young children are naturally self-centered (not selfish!) because of the limits of their development. They see themselves as the bull’s-eye in the target of life and as they experience more of the outer circles of their environment – family, extended family, neighborhood, nature, and school – they begin to pick up on and practice the skills of noticing others, wanting to make friends, and showing concern and empathy.

We all know the reality of the THAT’S NOT FAIR!! tantrum. Keep in mind that child development experts tell us that the Toddler’s favorite word is MINE; the Two spends 6 months saying, NO; that Threes are sociable but easily hurt by perceived injustice; and Fours will fight to the death for the preservation of ownership of the purple crayon with the glitter in it.

The other very necessary reality is the attitude of “TOUGH BEANS”. All children need to learn they cannot grab all the duckies in the water table, always be Line Leader, or exclude others from the sandbox. They learn this from teachers who can say “Aw, too bad, Thomas. Melissa has the red truck now” and who can relax about the resulting displeasure this may bring. They learn it when the teacher can provide sufficient materials so a child can be distracted to a similar object and they learn it best within a developmentally appropriate emotional environment in which warmth, humor, respect, kindness, and realism are practiced daily.

Remember the Preschool Popsicle Day Motto:

You get what you get and you don’t fuss a bit.